Today I had an interesting experience. I think it was a realization of something that has happened before, and perhaps I’m putting the two things together for the first time. Then again, correlation does not necessarily imply causation, and I could be making a lot out of nothing. Let’s go down the rabbit hold anyway.
This morning I got up, and was able to be padded for a trip that I was making. A treat in itself, as I do not wear with any consistency. The fit was good, and I got on the road. Part way on my journey I decided to make a pit stop, which I typically do not do padded (because I don’t need to!) and stopped into a CVS. I decided to look at their boosters, picked up a pack of them, and changed myself adding boosters for the first time. I also picked up a pack of “briefs” to try as a more stealthy option. Boosters in itself was grand, as I have leaked in the past on trips after a few hours. I learned that will less likely be the case in the future if I add a few boosters to my diaper. I digress, or regress, perhaps both.
I arrived at my destination, and got ready for the event I travelled down for. I had been hydrating pretty heavily all day, so I decided to try on one of the briefs in case I still had something in the tank as we got to the event. Sure enough, before things started I needed to pee. I had thought it through to go strip down in case things didn’t go well when I gave them their first attempt. I am typically a very methodical person, and plan a bit much for my wife’s taste. She actually recently called me out for not being spontaneous enough. Back to needing to pee. Instead of my plans of going into a bathroom and “testing” in a way that wouldn’t mess anything else up, something inside of me just said “go for it.” So I did, and guess what….yup, I leaked in a dressing room, and not just a little bit. Luckily I had a change, and no one is the wiser but the point is that I don’t do that. I’m not absent minded and “shoot from the hip.” I consciously began telling myself it was time to grow up, that I needed to be an adult for the next few hours. I’ve never had to do that before.
I began thinking back and I had done that a number of times today. Since putting myself in a diaper, and using the pacifier I have, I think I put myself into little space and didn’t realize it. Perhaps this has happened before, and I didn’t catch it but I think my mindset was somewhat different than my normal self. I even sucked my thumb a bit, which I think I’ve tried once or twice in the past.
Who was this person? Here I was thinking differently, making different decisions. I’m part nervous, part very excited to test this out again and try to experiment with this person. I hope that I will someday be able to share this with my wife, as I think she will help me truly unlock or understand this part of myself.
One very, very cool side-effect was that I had a headache earlier that morning. It had begun plaguing me more as I began driving, but when I got myself into this space I relaxed in a new way and realized that my headache was going away. I truly feel that diapers are my escape from the stress that I put myself into daily both consciously and unconsciously. I know this person is still me, but I want to give it a name. Right now, all I can all it is my little self. I think I may have just met him formally for the first time.