Forward some time into the future are two other experiences that stem from a supply of diapers from my younger brother. I remember putting on a white Huggies with red lettering or icons with the assistance of black, electrical tape and then reapplying the sweat pants I was wearing. I then laid on my bed wrapped in the comfort of a disposable diaper. I cannot recall the emotion felt that day, but if it is comparable to anything like I experience now, comfort is likely the emotion I am most able to associate to my much younger self. The other was in that same bedroom some time earlier or later in life, I cannot recall which, we were cleaning the house, and my father was coming though the house with a trash can. With all the smoothness and cunning of my early adolescent mind possessed I slipped a number of diapers into his trash can. I do not believe these diapers were properly folded and bound as one does after use, and I remember there being more than one of them. Why I thought it would be unnoticed is beyond me, but I did it. I cannot remember repercussions aside from something being said about using diapers. Mentally I fill in the blanks about being too old for them. The clarity comes in them being unfolded, being more than one, and gathering them from the back of my bed somewhere as I took them to the trash can my father was holding in the hallway of our home.
I wonder how much of this was inexperience, and how much was my younger self looking for a way to communicate with my parents. Hoping that we would talk about it. Maybe it would be different if they started the conversation? I don’t know because it didn’t happen, but I am finding out that the best medicine is learning how to find acceptance in yourself. I didn’t realize how huge a part in sharing this with someone else would be. Granted it was, is, and will continue to not be a walk in the park I know that I am finding so much more about myself and what this all really means to me. This wouldn’t happen without the support and influence of my wife.
Do you remember your first diaper? The first time you chose to wear one?